Episode 150: Overcoming Pornography Takes Time - Just like your yard

Jul 17, 2022


Hey everybody, welcome to another beautiful Mastery Monday here on The Self Mastery Podcast. I’m your host Zach Spafford.

You know what guys, I had Covid for like three weeks. It’s like I’m very tired, I’ll tell you that. I take naps like every day and I’m super grateful that I can. Sometimes, Darcy gives me this stink eye because I’m going to take a nap. It’s like for how long? And I’m like I don’t know until I’m not tired anymore but it hasn’t been terrible. It’s gone through literary everyone in the house.

So, we haven’t gone to church for like three weeks either. Because I don’t want to get any of the old people sick. I don’t know about you but I worry about old people at church. So, that’s been my way. Hopefully, you guys have a great couple of weeks. It’s been an awesome summer. It’s very hot here. It’s probably very hot everywhere right now. That’s one of the reasons why my lawn or my gardening it’s not getting very much done. Well, it’s not really gardening, it’s like were; I’ll tell you…

So, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who; We’re about the same age. He started his family well after I did. His two kids had the same age as our youngest two kids so, you know like ten fifteen years after we started our family, he started his. And we worked together in Wisconsin and this is the first time that we lived in Wisconsin. And each week when we got back to work on Monday, he would ask me you know, “Hey, what you this weekend?” His stories were much more interesting than mine. So, I was… So, he had a very exciting life, I, on the other hand you know just a normal stuff. One weekend I told him “Oh I pulled weeds all weekend” that blew his mind, he’s like “what do you mean you pulled weeds all weekend?” You know when you’re a grown man and you have kids and you have a house and you have all those things, sometimes you just pulled weeds like you’re in the garden. You’re just dealing with weeds and crop.  

And I don’t remember anything about that particular weekend sort of activities but my friend, he recalls this story and he brings it up occasionally when we chat. And it made me realize, because we were talking about it this week. It made me realize that one weekend worth of work as often as we think lasting change looks like when it comes to over coming pornography or becoming a different person or improving our behaviors. You know this way or that. But in truth is more actually like these. [3:08]

So, last year Darce and I bought a house that we liked next to the house that we used to own here in St. George. When we bought it, we have some pretty big ideas about what we wanted to do. And we had a vision of what the property would look like when we had finished. So, inside everything is perfect but outside it was a jungle. You we got to work. I cut down like twenty or so seater trees that shedding these harsh thorny bits all over the yard. And we took out about ten ever green bushes that both ugly and prickly. And we built a wall, so, that our yard will extend at the back, a little ramp on the hill. So, we have a very steep back yard.

You know we came like five to fifteen feet at various points at the backyard. And I started to lay a stone way at the backyard. I wanted to have a nice stone, basically stone path on the backyard, so, we have a nice comfortable for the kids to play. And then the back injury that I had when I was playing football on Thanksgiving in 2019. Kind a flared up and everything stop. During that period the yard didn’t change much for like, I don’t know, eight, nine months. Nothing’s changed! And you know even right now nothing can change – even if I wanted too - because it’s like nineteen degrees outside. But my concept of what the yard needed to look like and how I wanted it to look. What I wanted to change into, changed a lot. And as I waited for my back to strengthen and heal. I keep thinking about how are things to look in the yard. Things that I thought were kind of certain, change and more something completely different.

[5:05] As that evolution happen, there were some new ideas that I loved about the way I wanted to do the yard that I loved that I haven’t thought about nine, ten, eleven months ago now. And this are things that I didn’t have any idea that I started to process of updating the yard.

While the new yard, is far from complete and it still well on its way. That process of understanding, okay, this is what I want and then, stopping and figuring out a way this is now, what this needs to be; that process is a lot like the process of overcoming pornography for a lot of people. [5:49]

You know, as you said listen to this podcast, more comes of the things that you learn you’ll have an idea of what it’s mean execute on that skill. You know and some of you will come to open to coaching, in The Self Mastery membership and you’ll ask questions and then you’ll work on it from that perspective or you’ll get my opinion. Or you’ll figure out, okay, what I thought this is nothing like what is really is. And others of you, you’ll going to discuss that with your partner and some of you, kind of think it through. Just do it! [6:60]

As you go through these episodes the idea is going to fade and you’ll move on to new concept and you’ll add them to your mind and let them become a dominant force that you’ll work to that eliminate this unwanted habit. You may even stop listening to the podcast for a while, and I hate to see you go. But sometimes that’s the work that you do, right? You stop doing the work, you stop trying the skills maybe a particularly difficult setbacks made it tough to continue. And all of that okay what I hope that you will remember, if you come back to the work, come back to the concept, come back to the podcast when your ready, you’re going to keep growing, you’re to succeed. And eventually you’re going to overcome pornography forever. [7:10]

And that may sound so simple or maybe even naïve but it is the way I’ve seen things work for so many men and women. They learn, they grow, they stop, they restart and they do it again. I can name two or three different individual coaching clients and these guys pay me you know like a good amount of money to work with me individually. And then they come in, and they’re “I’m not ready to do this work.” So, they go away for a little while, they go for a year and they come back. I wish you can go away for a year because if my calendar put off, “okay, I’m going to find a way to put you back in.” But that’s okay the truth is, we just need to learn a concept, think about for a little while, step away from it and come back to it. For us, to get a full grasp of what the reality of what we wanted to look like is and how that really in to great center into our lives. [8:09]

So, if you are one of those people who; you just beat yourself up for stopping and not keeping going. I want you to recognize that that is actually part of the process. In this world, that we lived in, I think we have gotten this idea that go, go, go and never stop and never seen any ground and never slow down for any reason is kind of the way to do this. And you know, it’s not just overcoming pornography but it’s like the entirety of our lives and I think that’s wrong. And I hope that you will see and I think that this is a valuable idea to kind of put in your back pocket and say, “You know what it might be time to just put this in the back burner for a minute.” Now, I hope you never do, I hope you don’t need to, I hope that’s not part of the process that you need. But if it is a part of the process don’t beat yourself up over it. Just be ready to embrace it and be willing to say, “Oh yeah, okay, I can see myself where I am right now. And it’s okay to be here because I need a little more time to process that.” [9:13]

Now, I will say this if that is your way of avoiding the work, you need to be cautious and you need to be willing to say, “No, no, no, I’m just trying to avoid the work, I’m just trying to avoid what it is that is needs to be done and I’m using these as an excuse” If that’s true, you need to be aware of that. If it’s not true, if you really have gotten at this game busters and okay, I’ve done everything that I can and I just don’t know how to make this work yet. I’m a percolate on it.” And that’s okay! Do that. Do that if you need it and come back when your ready or you know if you really need of nudge and specific way coming to the membership and set up a little bit of coaching and I help you nudge that through. [10:02]

So, if you’re not willing to slow down and not willing to take back then come in and I’ll help you. That’s what a coach does, right? The coach helps you see the way forward if you can’t see it yourself. Now, if you need that time, take it, take it, take it and don’t be ashamed of it. Be prepared to just know that where you are is okay. [10:26]

Alright, you guys, I love you guys! I’m so glad that you listen to this podcast. Please do me a favor, if you haven’t done this yet, please review the podcast if you can do it on Itunes, just review the podcast and you don’t have to use your real name but if you will do that. It’ll help people find this podcast. And it’ll help so many people become pornography free in their lives for the better. Alright you guys. I love you so much. Thank you and I will talk to you next week.

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