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Episode 223
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Hey, everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. Don't forget that if you are looking to put pornography behind you forever, feel free to go to zachspafford.com/workwiththrive, set an appointment. I would love to meet with you and get you started on the path to a thriving relationship, a thriving life beyond pornography, healing the hurt, putting porn behind you, and creating the relationship that you want.

All right. Today I'm going to talk about all or nothing thinking this is one of the biggest concerns that you will be facing and dealing with when it comes to overcoming pornography. In fact, one of the most common things that we see that Darcy and I see with those who struggle with porn. And their spouses is that if I'm not perfect, It's not enough. And this is a really difficult place to live your life, partly because at the end of the day, nobody's perfect.

I don't know anybody. Who's perfect. If you know that person that's totally perfect and everything all the time, or even in just one thing all the time. Then I'd love to meet them. The truth is there's not anybody out there who's totally, totally perfect. All the time. And this actually becomes problematic over time. Because when, especially for me, when I struggled with porn, When I had a problem when I was struggling with porn even though I might've had 6, 8, 10 weeks of not choosing porn.

And then my brain is like, "oh, Hey, let's just scroll through this thing." And I see like a bikini picture or something that is not in line with my values or what I'm trying to do. Then it would be this, "oh, have I gone too far? Have I already lost in my already...? So I might as well keep going that sort of thing. Am I already down the path. And then, since I'm already down the path, I might as well keep going. I might as well. Just do whatever." I remember a couple of times. I was in a pizza place in Milwaukee. And there, there was, it was Topper's pizza. On. Ross and avenues, if you've ever been there shoot me an email. I'd love to hear your story, but there was a pornographic magazine on a shelf there in the pizza place.

And I was like, oh my gosh. And my, my brain was like, oh, Did I. And I already, because I saw this on accident. Have I gone too far? Am I already out of the groove? Have I destroyed my streak? This is problematic, so, I want to talk about the way that we can deal with this in simple, basic terms.

So, the first thing you want to do is you want to do your best to avoid thinking into extremes and instead of viewing situations as all good or all bad. You want to recognize that there are shades of gray, that life is complex. That the reality of life is that you're going to see stuff. That may not fit into your values and more than just seeing it, what you choose to do about it is the important part. So acknowledging this complexity really helps to reduce the harshness. In your brain around pornography.

I want to give you two tips to help avoid thinking in extremes and recognize the shades of gray in context of overcoming unwanted pornography. So the very first thing I want you to do is I want you to practice balanced. Self-reflection. When reflecting on your experiences and your behaviors. Consciously recognize when your brain is framing them in all or nothing terms. Instead of saying something like, "I always fail" or "I never succeed," or "you always" consider the specific nuances of that situation. Reflect on the factors that contribute to both successes and setbacks and discuss those in your brain.

So, and you can do this out loud too, if that's helpful. But one of the things that I often see with my clients and with people in, in these conversations that Darcy and I have is you always do this, or I always do that, or I never get this right. Always right. All of those. Absolutest terms they're not very valuable.

And when we step away from those absolute terms, We get a couple of things. One is that we have to think about what's actually happening. We have to be much more real and much more clear about the facts of the moment. More than we would have to be. If we stay in that always or never framing. So that's number one, you get, you think about the thing more clearly you think about it more directly.

This is one of those problems that I often see with people is that. We like to label things like for instance, porn, we like to label as an addiction. Well in labeling something, we make it easier for our brain. Because then we don't have to think about a complex issue and instead of thinking about the complex issue, we actually just bring up a bunch of emotions that aren't actually helping us resolve the concerns. Whereas when we step away from that all or nothing that, "I'll always," " I never," kind of language then we begin to be really clear about what's happening.

We have to say, this is what I chose. This is why I chose it. This is how it came to be that this choice was presented to me and we start to go through, uh, a more significant pattern of addressing the issue directly.

The other thing that happens there is. That when we are. More clear and more direct and less all encompassing about the way that we're thinking about the issue. We reduce the emotion around it. "I always fail" well, if I think and truly believe that "I always fail." That must be a miserable thought process, it must be a miserable state of emotion. It must be a very unpleasant way of living your life.

As you think about that, what you may notice then is that as we reduce the emotion, We bring in curiosity and we're able to address underlying factors more directly, more clearly. There's a lot more meaningful change that's available to us when we know. Details when we're not afraid. I have the conversation.

And when I think "I always fail" around something, then I don't want to participate in that conversation. It's not. It's not fear per se, but it's just this. General dislike of actually addressing the issue or. Engaging the problem on its merits.

Versus just labeling it, creating all this emotion and being down in the dumps over it.

The more you can. Create a balanced self-reflection the less likely it is that you'll feel bad. The more likely it is that you will address the issue. And start succeeding around pornography.

The second tip I want to give you around this issue is challenge dichotomous thinking. Either or.

Either or thinking is problematic because it, it really, it gives you like no solutions. And if there's only two solutions in your toolbox that there's a, you might want to expand your toolbox. If I only had a screwdriver and a hammer in my toolbox, I would want to expand my toolbox. Actively challenging thoughts that categorize situations as entirely positive or entirely negative.

That's one way that we do this. And when you see. Someone choosing pornography, we tend to categorize that as entirely negative. Where the reality is, is if we are willing to address that and look into it and understand what occurred. That while it's not necessarily positive that someone chose pornography that does give us data that allows us to create positive changes through understanding why I chose this and moving to create solutions for that issue. You know, you really, we really have to recognize that life is a series of experiences that exp that really just kind of exists on a spectrum.

And seldom is anything purely one way or the other. So you really want to question those extreme self judgements and look for evidence that supports a more nuanced perspective. Think about it this way, instead of thinking I'm either perfect or I'm a failure consider the middle ground. I may not be perfect, but I'm also not a complete failure.

I've had successes faced challenges and I'm continuously working on improving myself. By incorporating these tips into, by the way, on that note, that's a much more stage three way of thinking. So if you remember the way that we talk about. The three stages of cognitive agency stage one is fear and punishment.

Stage two is roles and rules. Stage three is.

Integrity. And part of being integrated is that I recognize the parts of myself that aren't entirely the way that I would like them to be, but I don't hold that against me. And that's really what we're looking for when we think about dichotomous thinking and trying to step out of that either or framework is. I can see. More nuance.

I can see more capacity for growth. I can see more understanding of why I'm choosing, rather than I stink. I'm a terrible person or I'm succeeding and I'm the person that I should be.

By incorporating these tips into your thought process. What I hope you're doing is you're cultivating a more balanced and nuanced perspective. And this approach encourages you to acknowledge the complexity of your journey. Reducing the likelihood of harsh self judgment and fostering a mindset that embraces the shades of gray inherent in personal growth and change. I hope this has been helpful.

I hope you can utilize this and start to view yourself more clearly around these things. Just be as observant as possible. And as you do that, Work to step back from those. Old ways of acting and engage a new, more valuable process. I hope that's helpful.

When you're ready to get help doing this work, feel free to go to ZachSpafford.com/workwiththrive.

I would love to meet with you and help you start on this journey so that you can not simply put pornography behind you, heal the hurt, and create the relationship that you want, but that you can begin to thrive beyond this trial. All right. My friends I'll talk to you next week.