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Episode 229

Zach Spafford: Hey everybody, welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and happy Monday to you.

I hope that your playoff teams won yesterday and the day before I hope So Sunday and Saturday. I hope that everything that you wanted for your playoff teams is in the bag.

I think Well, I'm not going to ruin it for anybody, but I think, I think some good teams won. I think the best team won, unfortunately for some people,

Scarlett 2i2 USB: fortunately

Scarlett 2i2 USB-1: for others. Hey, I wanted to let you guys know that, well, apparently if you put the word pornography into your URL, into your website name, that causes all kinds of problems.

It's, it's been causing some problems. In fact, our. Our what's it called? So you might remember that recently we changed our website from

Scarlett 2i2 USB: zachspafford.com

Scarlett 2i2 USB-1: to

Scarlett 2i2 USB: thrivebeyondpornography.Com

Scarlett 2i2 USB-1: because, you know, we want people to know what it is that we do. However, the group that processes our payments declined to process the payments of our clients for a little bit.

Don't worry. We got it fixed. I sent lots of emails over two weekends ago and. I've been working this week to figure out what do we do? Because we want people to know who we are and where to go to get the help that they need, but we didn't want to use the word pornography anymore. Unfortunately, because it just causes too many problems.

It, it is, as you can imagine, it's a bad word on the internet. People, systems, all, all kinds of stuff is set up to filter for that word and get rid of it and say, no, you can't use it. In fact, if you go to our, it's interesting because Facebook, which owns Instagram, they're okay with the word pornography.

So I put Thrive Beyond Pornography as our Facebook handle and that's fine. But on. Instagram, it's Thrive Beyond Pornography, where the X replaces the N. For whatever reason Putting an X instead of an N is okay, but putting an N is not okay on Instagram. And they're like, you can't have that handle. Doesn't work.

It says it's already being used, but it's not really already being used. So that's what I wanted to tell you guys today is that we are changing the name of the website to gettothrive. com slightly different. I hope it's on the same vein. I hope you guys can all, you know, get there easily from where you are.

All the same links that you've been using, they'll all work because it redirects or it should redirect. I'm actually a little bit worried about the Thrive Beyond Pornography redirecting to Get to Thrive because, again, that That word pornography is filtered so heavily on the internet that the systems might be like, "Oh, you can't redirect a pornography site to a different site, doesn't work."

So, I don't know what's going to happen there, but hopefully you guys can all make the adjustment easily and simply and swiftly. I appreciate your patience because I know that this hasn't been simple on my end. So, I wanted to make it as smooth as possible for all of you. So just go to gettothrive.com and you'll see everything that you ever did. Or you can just use the old URL zachspafford. com and you'll be just fine.

One of the reasons why we wanted to shift the name was so that we could be more inclusive of spouses who are going through this same struggle with the, you know, the person who's choosing pornography or viewing pornography.

We wanted to be able to include spouses in the way that we Talk about this struggle so that we can get more traction and get people to more success overall throughout the process of putting porn in the past. So, the short story is new website, new URL name, gettothrive.Com and you'll be, you'll be in business.

So if you want to set up a consult or, or just get some free resources, go to get to thrive. com and. Check it out. Love to see you there. Feel free to email me. Text me. Whatever. I'm happy to help you out as best I can.

with that said, I want to talk about an email that we got recently and what it is that a lot of people struggle with in this process of putting porn in the past.

Because In this process, a lot of times, one of the things that we're basically told is, you got to put up as many barriers as you can, and those barriers are going to keep you from looking at porn. And what I've found is that that's simply not true. You're like, what is so useless, right? A lot of times people come, well, let me read this email to you.

And then I'll talk to what I think you need to be doing instead. So thanks for the replies, Zach. I'm very interested in discussing the porn struggle with you further. As a preacher, I've served as an accountability partner through Covenant Eyes for several young and older men battling pornography addiction over the last decade.

Honestly, there are times when I feel at a loss for how to best help them overcome this challenge. Although I've been on your email list for months, it wasn't until my own son , who's an adult, recently confessed to me through tears that he too is struggling with inappropriate videos and images that pop up in his news feed.

I've set up accountability software on his device as he requested and we have regular conversations yet I decided to reach out to you in hopes that maybe through your expertise you may be able to help him More than I can so that this doesn't become a lifelong problem for him. Sadly, this scene has played out countless times older teens and married men Coming to my office in tears because they thought they had conquered this addiction only to relapse again I've tried to Help by becoming an accountability partner, receiving their daily software reports, and meeting for Bible studies counseling sessions and check ins.

but still there seem to be ways around the monitoring software that leave them vulnerable. I've made my own confessions and been transparent with the struggles I used to have, and how easily they can rear their ugly head.

I'm struggling to discern what I can do to set these men up for success, many of whom sincerely love the Lord and want to overcome this temptation. Any guidance or suggestions you may have on additional resources, approaches, or support I could provide would be greatly appreciated. This is a real devastating struggle for many Christian men, and I want to help them find it.

Freedom. Thank you for your time. Sincerely. And then he sends his name.

A couple of things that I think everybody sh needs to understand about any type of accountability system or software that you might choose to engage with.

Number one, accountability Softwares are never gonna keep you from choosing porn.

I always tell people the only accountability partner or accountability software that will keep you from viewing pornography is the gray matter between your ears. That's it. That is the only one, not because. Not because these systems aren't set up and designed to help you engage differently with your surroundings, but because at the end of the day, at the very end of the day, at the last moment, the only thing that really keeps you from choosing something is your own free choice, free will, agency, free choice, whatever you want to call it.

It is the capacity that you have within you to choose what it is that you want. And he notes in his email here that The struggle that we all have, which is there are ways around this. So unless you have a significantly improved capacity to resolve what it is that your brain is offering you. So, unless you have a way of dealing with your urges as they come along, with the temptations that, uh, that assail us almost at every turn, the reality is, is that no matter where you go in the world, sexuality and sex and sexiness are going to be a part of the landscape at this point. So unless you have a way of addressing that in a meaningful way that doesn't take you further down the path, you're going to continue to be in a longterm battle with your brain and with the things that the internet and the world offer you.

Here's what I would offer you. I, I have used and you can go to my website, gettothrive.com and go to the resources page. On that resources page, you can find a link to set up Covenant Eyes. It is a useful software.

I have, however, noted that, or I will note with you right now, that more than one person that I've worked with has done everything in their power to circumvent the, the system. So I'm not going to give you any ideas at this point, but what I want you to know is that it's not foolproof.

And the same with accountability partners. I have on more than one occasion spoken with people and been, for me personally, I was that guy who I would talk to somebody and then I'd be like, all right, good. I'm good for a minute. And then it would just come back and I didn't want to keep bothering my accountability partner or my sponsor, I didn't want to keep hounding them.

I wanted to have this capacity internally to leave pornography behind, but I couldn't seem to figure it out.

What I tell people is that if you want to use accountability software, that's totally fine.

Think of it as a, a, like a, like a railroad gate arm that you can get around. They don't stop you entirely, they just slow you down if you really are intent on getting to the other side. So I want you to recognize that and think about these things in a much more appropriate way.

Just think about it in terms of, it's possible that these things will slow you down, but it's not necessarily going to keep you from choosing pornography if that's really what you want to choose.

So as long as that's how you approach these types of software, you'll be fine. I think they'll be helpful, but I don't think that they're going to solve anything longterm there. They're always going to be a barrier to entry, but they're never going to keep you from really choosing pornography. If that's what you want to choose.

And I can tell you that from my own personal experience, when I was trying as hard as I could to eliminate pornography from my life, there were still opportunities in the media that I consumed, in the movies that I watched, in In times where I was alone and I could figure things out, right? Just kind of circumvent the system.

I was able to get past these kinds of barriers. Now that's not to say that they can't be helpful. It is simply to say, if you choose this, do not rely on it wholly. Rely on it partially, and then do the rest of the work.

one of the questions that he is posing here is any guidance or suggestions you may have on additional resources, approaches, or support I could provide would be greatly appreciated.

So the very first thing that I would say is get a coach. Coaching is helpful. I mean, I am a little bit biased here, but I've been doing this work for many years now. Understanding that there are people who know the path, who can walk you down the path. I've said this on other platforms.

If I'm going to climb a mountain, I'm going to get somebody who's been to the top. If I'm going to jump out of an airplane, I'm going to get somebody who knows how to do it. Who's been and done and jumped out of airplanes many times. The, the question that you really want to be asking yourself is, am I working with someone who knows how to do this and has done it many, many times with many, many people, or am I going to do this with somebody who's never done it?

This is their first time. They have no idea. I'm certainly not jumping out of an airplane with somebody who has just a theoretical knowledge of how to do it. And isn't really even going to jump with me. They're just going to take me up in the airplane and say, okay, this is what you do. Jump. That, that doesn't sound like a great idea to be, or somebody who said, well, I've never been to the top of the mountain, but I have this map and I was told that it's the right map.

Uh, that doesn't sound like a great way to get to the top of a mountain if you want to do it successfully. Maybe live, depending on how high the mountain is, right?

I would start with somebody who knows what to do. Now, if you're gonna look for resources locally, this is what I would look for. Someone who is thoroughly If you're not thoroughly versed in acceptance and commitment therapy, they're probably using something called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, or maybe even Freudian methods.

I don't know. I'm not super versed in all of the different types of Therapeutic modalities. But what I can tell you is someone who is versed in ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy, or acceptance and commitment training, they're using a modality that is designed to help you go through the difficulties.

Most of us, when we're choosing pornography, we're trying to circumvent the difficulties. And because we're trying to circumvent the difficulties, we are going off into fantasy land where we are highly valued and everything validates us and everybody wants us. That's what pornography does. Using ACT helps you go through that process of getting stronger at being the person that you want to be in spite of the difficulties that we are facing. When I think, and in addition to that, ACT has been shown to reduce pornography use by 80%. So in a six month period, if you're using pornography, your pornography use is.

Either eliminated or mitigated by 80%, which I think is a huge win. Other programs like the 12 step program which have not been designed in a scientific way and which don't have scientific backing, they have a five and a half to 10 percent success rate. So when you're looking at pornography use, I would look at what is the most successful process.

ACT is the most successful process. I've been trained in ACT. I know that it works personally. I have trained many, many men and women in how to utilize this tool. So I, I have the utmost confidence in its capacity to help you resolve this. If you're going to look for somebody local, they need to be very well versed in ACT.

You can, they can go to, there's like a University of Utah website where they can go and they can actually just take a program from the University of Utah website and use that in their process. So they don't have to come up with it on their own.

They can use something that's already been made, especially if they already know the process themselves, how to deal with their own internal conflicts and deal with the temptations that come along.

In addition to that, I would say you can go to gettothrive.com and sign up for the membership. Our membership is just $2,000 and it's lifetime.

A lifetime membership to the resources that are required to quit porn, that is, to me, invaluable because a lot of these programs, it's like, Hey, you know, do this for five months and then I'll never talk to you again unless you pay me more money.

That's not what we do. We give you all the tools. We give you all the resources. We give you four coaching calls a month so that you can do this now in a year. If something comes up six years from now, if something comes up, as long as the program's available, it's a lifetime program, as long as the program's available, all you have to do is show up and do the work.

The more you do, the better off you'll be. And I will tell you, most of the people who come into the membership, they're there for about six months. Once they get through that six month mark, they generally tend to drop off because they're doing so well because they don't need any more help because they've done the work and they're, and they're leaving porn behind in a really meaningful way.

They're leaving porn behind in a sexuality positive way so that porn really stops being problematic. It's not that they know how to just deal with the temptations. It's that the temptations stop coming because they're dealing with the things that are, that have been driving them towards pornography in the first place.

So I hope that answers the questions. I hope that's helpful.

In my mind, the very most important thing here is to understand that there are tools that can help you. Some of those tools are simply Gates and some of those tools are actual, actual new paths. And if you want a new path, I would love to talk to you visit us at gettothrive.com and set up a free call. I'd love to meet with you. All right, my friends, I will talk to you next week.